happy, happy anniversary (belated)...

A few weeks ago my hunny & I celebrated our wedding anniversary.  We're lucky enough to celebrate two anniversaries since we had a traditional Vietnamese Tea Ceremony, also an traditional American wedding too!  So one week we reflect on the Tea Ceremony as we sip a big bowl of Pho, Vietnamese noodle soup, and the following week we have a fancy, tasty dinner. Then we go home and watch our wedding video. Every anniversary! I love that tradition! That was a wonderful day...!

There's something magical about these two dinners, and I'm sure other couples can relate.  The set-aside time to sit, enjoy a meal and reflect our our lives together, and our growth in marriage is really something I treasure.  This year my husband had a co-worker make me a custom card, complete with the things I love, like elephants and cupcakes and glitter, and also the theme of the 4 year anniversary, fruit and flowers. It was really sweet.  He also writes the nicest messages in cards. I treasure those messages, because over the almost ten years we've been together, they piece together the story of us.  We're not that goopy, never-fights, always perfect couple--far from it, actually.  But I've heard friends say that they admire our realness... and I guess I do too, because it's really all we know how to be. 

I will say, that in the last four years, he & I have struggled so much.  And not just as a couple, but as people, as professionals, and friends to each other and in other friendships. We've struggled with a myriad of things and situations. We're not unique in this struggle. We all struggle.  But, I think you know that other person is continually and eternally your "one" when each morning you both square up, dust off and continue to love and support each other... and that's sometimes the hardest part.

To my husband, who always finds the most adorable way to tell me I am pretty every morning, I thank you for loving me when it's been absolutely impossible at times. God made us perfect matches for each other--to challenge each other, to grow up together, and to be each other's softest landing. I cannot imagine my life without you, and after almost ten years together, I love you more every second, and I think you get more handsome every day.  You are my world!

To Many More,
Lindsay

experiencing gratitude in your marriage...

The other night, my whole family was all gathered around the dinner table taking part in a scrumptious meal of chicken and potatoes. Among the clinging and clanging of the fork and knives hitting the plate and scooping the food, my youngest son made an announcement. “Hey guys, we forgot to do something.” My oldest shot back, “What’s that?” he said, “We forgot to say two things we were thankful for today!”

After realizing that we were just reminded of the obvious, we all took a break from the great meal, set down our fork and knives, simultaneously took a drink and wiped our mouths with a napkin. My youngest seemed satisfied by our response and the collective attitude of anticipation. He shouted out, “Mom starts.” My wife quickly responded, “Well, let’s see. The first thing I am thankful for today was the opportunity I had to encourage my friend who is going through some marriage problems. And the second thing I am thankful today is now, the time we are enjoying together as a family.”

“You’re next.” All eyes were now fixed on me. Before I expressed what I was thankful for, I looked at my youngest and said, “Do you already know what you’re going to say what you are thankful for?”  He said, “Yup, I already knew what I was going to say even before dinner! I am thankful for a good day at work today and I am thankful for the great meal mom made tonight.” Both my sons agreed with the latter as they gave their mother a satisfying smile. 

My youngest continued the order, “Okay, you’re next,” pointing to his brother. “Well, the first thing I am thankful for today is that I finished my homework and the second thing I am thankful for is the cake and ice cream after dinner tonight!” Both my sons shouted, “Oh yah!” as they enthusiastically high-fived each other.

I looked at my youngest and said, “And last but not least, you’re next. What are the two things you are thankful for today?”My son surprised all of us by his response. He put his cup down, moved away from the dinner table and positioned himself smack dab in the middle of the living room. He stuck out his chest and said, with great pride, “I am not thankful for two things--I am thankful for three things! The first thing is I am thankful for is mommy. The second thing I am thankful for is my daddy. And the third thing I am thankful for is my brother. The only thing I am thankful for is my great family!”  

It was as if time stood still because my youngest thought it, said it and did it with unprecedented intention. We all looked at each other in silence, and with great satisfaction. We then pushed away from the table and gathered around each other and gave a huge, shared hug! The result was an incredible feeling of happiness and a confident sense of togetherness. Most of all, the experience was an amazing confirmation that whenever gratitude is at the forefront of your thoughts and actions, even before it’s your turn, the result will always manifest infectious change in every way. 

Gratitude is a powerful attribute that carries the residual effect of personal fulfillment and an active, inward peace that often goes unexplained. What does a marriage that lives in daily thankfulness look like? More than entering the Thanksgiving season as simply just another holiday, try integrating thankfulness into your marriage and family beyond the day you eat turkey and pumpkin pie.

 

The true secret to a successful marriage is expressing thankfulness toward each other on a regular basis. The reward is whenever gratitude resides at the forefront of your thoughts, your actions and your being, the guarantee is affirmation that you are moving in the right direction towards the marriage you want to experience. Gratitude always puts you into a positive state of mind which in turn will instigate the change you have been striving for and working towards. The need for evidence and confirmation of fulfillment manifesting in your marriage relationship is discovered in the space of a thankful and grateful life. When you live there, your marriage will always be moving forward in the moment.   

Since the power of gratitude is one of the most effective ways to find and experience an abundant life, what are some practical ways you can implement gratitude into your life today? Here are just a few suggestions:

• Once you wake up. and before you put your feet on the floor, think and say at least one thing you are planning to be thankful for in the day ahead. (Future)

• One of the best times to reflect with gratitude is at meal time. Our most anticipated time as a family is described from the story. Implement past reflection in one of your meal times. (Past)

The true power of living in marital gratitude will never fail the wonderful, full relationship you are longing to live. So the next time you are eating dinner gathered around with your family, ask: "What are the two things you are thankful for?" You may be surprised by the things you hear, or the things you never even thought to appreciate before. The gift of gratitude is when you think, feel and live it in every aspect of your life. Living in gratitude is something that will invite you to even find the child in yourself. Go ahead and stick your chest out and express three things you’re grateful for, rather than two. You will feel a sense of pride and satisfaction by breaking the rules!

Rob Lane
Marriage Mechanic

Rob is proud that his wife Cara plays an instrumental part of what he does. They have a combined 20+ years helping individuals and couples with their relationships and marriages. Rob has a BA in Christian Education from Moody Bible Institute in Chicago and holds a Master’s Degree in Psychology and is an Online Psychology Professor for Grand Canyon University. Rob is also certified marriage counselors in the PREPARE/ENRICH program. He is a non-denominational ordained minister and officiates wedding ceremonies. Rob combines his experience and education along with his unique approach that is sincerely relational, empowering, hopeful, honest and compassionate. To learn more about Rob, The Marriage Lane and his approach read here.

                    

what you see is what you get…

What You See Is What You Get… 

Gaining a win mentality towards marriage health

Believe it or not, we often make decisions in our lives based on catchy phrases. Without even realizing it, whether good or bad, we choose our course of action or scale back on some decision based on what we see and hear but ultimately what we believe.  Some say that the power of marketing is a very powerful tool and they are actually right!

One of those catchy phrases we are familiar with is, what you see is what you get. This phrase may mean different things to different people but here’s my take on it. If I am the person that you truly see, then I am the person you will have to put up with because I am not going to change who I am based on how you feel about me. This is usually followed up with an adamant disclaimer: “And if you don’t like it, then too bad!”

I’m sure you know people in your life who present themselves this way. Whenever this is the case, it puts you in a little quandary- you either love them for who they are or you stay as far away as you can because of who they are. And how true this is in the context of a marriage relationship gone bad?

What you see is what you get is a clever phrase that many people live their lives by today. Although it is important to be truly honest and satisfied with who you are as a person, it is a different outcome when we try to be someone we are not. The results from this dilemma are often confusion and frustration because we struggle with the inner self; better known as our alter ego.

I heard someone once tell me the true definition of ego which is when we edge God out. This is spot on when you think about the challenges of wanting the best for your best while trying not to change them. As you can imagine, there is a very fine line between both of these narratives. 

In reality, what you see is what you get can be a direct result of dealing with an alter ego. We often find that we settle into the person we ultimately don’t want to be because of the struggle within. But then again, we resort to the idea that our circumstances are the reason why we ultimately become another person. The battle always begins within but is perpetuated from the outside as well. 

Examples of some of the outside influences include social website networks like Facebook, Twitter, E-harmony and Match. On one hand these websites are good because they allow us to connect with others on a more regular basis. On the other hand, these sites tend to create and foster a false sense of identity, or that alter ego.

We are confronted with our egos on a daily basis, especially in a marriage relationship. We deal with the questions of should we do this or should we do that; should we not do this or not do that. This is the mental exercises that we battle with. Combine this with our alter egos; this potentially can be a recipe for personal discouragement and confusion. What’s worse is this can affect our marriage relationships. 

Is there any hope for recreating a better alternative to the lives we truly want and the lives we feel we truly deserve? Do we have to end up with a default attitude that has to resort to what you see is what you get? The Marriage Lane helps couples develop a solid mindset and a new belief system that assures you to experience the marriage you have always wanted to experience. The Marriage Lane offers a free initial session through this blog that helps you and your spouse get on the right marital path; The Marriage Lane! You will not regret taking part in something that will change your outlook on the course of your marriage journey. This may be the end to the outward battle and the beginning of your inward victory.    

   

Rob Lane
Marriage Mechanic

Rob is proud that his wife Cara plays an instrumental part of what he does. They have a combined 20+ years helping individuals and couples with their relationships and marriages. Rob has a BA in Christian Education from Moody Bible Institute in Chicago and holds a Master’s Degree in Psychology and is an Online Psychology Professor for Grand Canyon University. Rob is also certified marriage counselors in the PREPARE/ENRICH program. He is a non-denominational ordained minister and officiates wedding ceremonies. Rob combines his experience and education along with his unique approach that is sincerely relational, empowering, hopeful, honest and compassionate. To learn more about Rob, The Marriage Lane and his approach read here.

an attitude of gratitude...

A few years ago I was in a dark(ish) place.  It wasn't a pitch black place, but emotionally, I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel... and I felt like I was drowning. Then I remembered how much I loved jorunaling as a child. That time at the end of my day where I wrote something, anything to recap my happenings (and usually included stickers, and drawing a heart around a boy's name). Sometimes I happen upon that box of old journals, some of them little diaries with a lock and key.  Reading about myself in those years is insightful and funny. So, I thought, admist the darkness I was swirling in, "Get back to journaling, self!"

Initially, I would forget, or be too tired to write. And not completing this task, as a very task oriented person, was setting me up for self loathing, and feeling like a failure. That was not the intention of the exercise! Then my dear friend Maria gave me one of these beautiful weekly planners for Christmas (and has for the last three years), and I already had one that functioned as my daily to do list and scheduler... so I thought, "Each day, I will write something simple that I am grateful for." It was hard at first to remember... but I kept at it, sometimes writing a few sentences, and sometimes just writing a word or two.  I mention my husband, parents and dog the most.  My job and good friends are in there too.  And sometimes it's the simple things that I tend to take for granted, like a full belly, warm clothes, my relationship with God...  But the practice of experiencing, noticing and recording gratitude everyday has changed my life.

It's been over three years since I started this little daily practice.  It's always before bed, with my night stand lamp on, my husband begging me to turn the light out... but I don't forget anymore, because my attitude of gratitude has become a necessary, spiritual, daily ritual for me. And when we're looking for all our blessings, it's harder to see our deficits, wants and shortcomings.

As the holidays approach, we remember more often about our blessings, and build in time to be grateful... I would challenge you to find a way to note your gratitude daily!  It is truly an exercise in a positive attitude of gratitude!

Happy Wednesday!

Love,
Lindsay

the real secret to resolving conflict...

Television writing has significantly changed over the last few years. Clever writing along with famous actors and actresses seem to no longer be the norm. One of my favorite television shows while growing up was hands down, The Cosby Show. Bill Cosby's character, Mr. Huckstable, gave a  fatherly talk to his TV son, Theo, about what it takes to live on his own.  To me, it was the most classic episode.
 

Without getting off topic too much, my point is, “Oh, how the times have changed.” What is now the norm for prime time TV? Reality TV! From Survivor, to Fear Factor, to American Idol, to The Biggest Loser, to America’s Next Top Model, to Hell’s Kitchen… the list goes on and on.

I have always wondered why reality TV is so attractive, interesting, or appealing. There is one word that drives reality TV (and what makes producers salivate over all the crazy money they pocket). That word is: CONFLICT. What reality show out there does not have any conflict? Not one! It is interesting that out culture desires watching TV shows that thrive on conflict. “The more conflict the better.” This mantra is plastered on the boob tube every day and night, which means that every single home gets a firsthand look on how "normal" conflict really is.

As much as couples hate conflict on the surface, there almost seems to be a desire for it. Without it, life seems boring. With it, there's a vessel for getting the attention we want or feel we deserve. Is there any hope for a conflict free relationship, let alone a conflict free marriage? Are there any answers for marriages who find that they are drowning in the troubled waters of conflict? Yes, there are answers!!! Yes, there is great hope. And yes, marriages can indeed experience the kind of reality we all want down deep inside: resolved conflict. I believe that marital success does not mean a marriage has no conflict; rather it is measured by the ability to continually resolve conflict. This is the secret to discovering a conflict free marriage.

The greatest secret to resolving marital conflict lies at the core of one word: conviction--the conviction of wanting to be right. “I am right, you are wrong!” The real truth of resolving conflict puts that conviction aside and says, “I still may be (or feel) right, but I will respect you anyways.” The principle of ‘agree to disagree’ lies at the root of the conviction or conflict. You see, when we find ourselves drowning in the troubled sea of conflict, this means that our exhaustive flailing, violent paddling and strenuous wading overtakes all of the respect we used to have, all because we feel we are right.

The real secret to resolving conflict is letting go! Let go of that conviction and begin to find the answer to coming out of troubled conflict: respect. Even though reality TV draws its ratings on hyper-conflict, it does not mean that we have to mimic it in our own relationships and marriages. When we embrace the conviction of respect, we will begin to find ourselves back on the road to marital health and success. That is what we all truly want! And that is eeality TV worth tuning in to.    
For more information on resolving marital conflict in a constructive way, contact The Marriage Mechanic. Rob will give you the necessary perspective and tools to help resolve your conflict today

Rob Lane

Marriage Mechanic

Rob is proud that his wife Cara plays an instrumental part of what he does. They have a combined 20+ years helping individuals and couples with their relationships and marriages. Rob has a BA in Christian Education from Moody Bible Institute in Chicago and holds a Master’s Degree in Psychology and is an Online Psychology Professor for Grand Canyon University. Rob is also certified marriage counselors in the PREPARE/ENRICH program. He is a non-denominational ordained minister and officiates wedding ceremonies. Rob combines his experience and education along with his unique approach that is sincerely relational, empowering, hopeful, honest and compassionate. To learn more about Rob, The Marriage Lane and his approach read here.

asking for what you want...

In this week’s MMM, I am proud to introduce to you my wife, Cara Lane. I asked her to share with you her ideas about getting what you want and/or need from your spouse!

Hi! My name is Cara Lane. I am the wife of the Marriage Mechanic. Together, with my husband we have a heart to help marriages last a lifetime. Our passion is to help merge two lives into one. My individual passion is to help people communicate better in relationship. I am known as a communication coach and trainer.

If you really want your marriage to have a “tune-up” then you need to tell your husband EXACTLY what you need from him. Showing him how to please you will make your life easier.   

I don’t know what it is about us women, but we tend to put our husbands through “secret” tests. We expect that they know exactly how we feel. We have a hard time telling them precisely what we need or want. The truth is women do not always understand that they are secretly “testing” their husbands. It’s not fair. We need to communicate what we need in order to feel loved.

The three steps for getting your desired outcome:

1. Be specific – fact and deadlines:  We can’t be vague on what we are asking. We often hint and dodge the truth of what we need. We tend to circle around the point. Our husbands need the facts spelled out in short, concise sentences. Giving a deadline with the offer of a reward is tangible for understanding. 
2. Offer a benefit:  Instead of being selfish – offer a benefit to the specific request. There is a radio station that is playing all the time called WiiFM- What’s in it for me? Give your husband the benefit to why the request is being asked for.
3. Be positive rather than negative: It’s so easy to think of the negative reasons why something should be done. Instead, choose to find the positive reason why you need your request granted.

Let me show you how this worked in my marriage… I travel quite a bit in my career. I am a motivational speaker leading seminars for women where I teach assertive communication skills. I sometimes hear from others that I look nice, even business men. It’s tempting to bask in those compliments. BUT it’s even more tempting to come home and secretly see if I get any compliments from my own husband. The problem with that is he doesn’t know exactly what I am doing. I am setting myself up for disappointment and I am setting up my husband up for failure.

True story: I specifically told my husband that I needed him to tell me I was beautiful by Saturday @ 11p.m. because the only compliment that matters to me is his. I realize this seems a little too specific yet IT WORKS!! Here’s the brilliant ending to the story. Rob wrote on my mirror to google the lyrics to the Bruno Mars song, Just the Way You Are.” He was telling me that he thought I was beautiful in a creative way. I was so impressed! Crystal clear communication of what I wanted/needed and it worked!

Now you try this on for size. Using the three steps to getting your desired outcome is something you can implement today. I look forward to hearing how this worked for you!

Rob & Cara Lane

Marriage Mechanics

Rob is proud that his wife Cara plays an instrumental part of what he does. They have a combined 20+ years helping individuals and couples with their relationships and marriages. Rob has a BA in Christian Education from Moody Bible Institute in Chicago and holds a Master’s Degree in Psychology and is an Online Psychology Professor for Grand Canyon University. Rob is also certified marriage counselors in the PREPARE/ENRICH program. He is a non-denominational ordained minister and officiates wedding ceremonies. Rob combines his experience and education along with his unique approach that is sincerely relational, empowering, hopeful, honest and compassionate. To learn more about Rob, The Marriage Lane and his approach read here.

 


*Lead photo created using the app A Beautiful Mess, available for sale here in the iTunes app store! Thanks ABM app for the creative tool!