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Monday, April 28, 2014

honesty...


I have a confession: I’d rather be honest than not, but honesty is scary… and I dislike hurting people more than I like honesty, especially when being honest means facing peoples unpredictable and unexpected responses... So what do you do when you’ve been avoiding honesty for so long that sorting out how you really feel is like brushing a rat’s nest from you hair? I get quiet and contemplative. I get still. I get real… and since I’m being honest, I can honestly say the last six months of my life have been my darkest. You see, we had two miscarriages three months apart.

If I’m honest, there is nothing in the world I wanted more than to become a mother, to watch my husband become a father and to see my parents become grandparents. I couldn’t contain the joy I was feeling at the thought of this new adventure. It bubbled from my glowy skin and the bounce in my step. These two pregnancies and babies were wanted with more zeal and passion and love than anything I’ve ever wanted in my life. Contrast that to their end… no heart beats… shattered dreams… hopelessness… and deep, dark, isolating sadness.

If I’m being honest, I can tell you that today is one of the hardest days I’ve had on this journey. For the fifth time this month I learned of another pregnancy announcement for an October baby, the same month our second baby was due. All the while, the fifteen people (yes, fifteen!) who were pregnant and due within weeks of our first baby are now having their babies… My feeds on social media are full of joyful news every day… and my heart wrestles with the happiness I feel for their new babies or new pregnancies, and the sadness I feel for our loss. And since I’m being so honest, it’s the worst juxtaposition my heart has ever felt. It’s hard. And I wish I was in a different place…

If I’m being honest, I should mention what a trooper my husband is. And how supportive my parents and friends are. If I’m being honest, I’d share that these two losses were significantly harder than the two years of what we called infertility thinking we weren't able to get pregnant. And if I’m being honest, I wish I could fast forward through the next few months… though, I know the pain and the work will be worth it (though how has yet to be revealed).

If I’m being honest, I’d share that I am a changed person from these experiences. It’s too soon to tell how quickly or how well I will rebound, or how permanent the emotional damage will be. But honestly, I have a strong desire to be okay… to feel whole and normal again… and to mend my broken heart.

If I’m being honest, I’d say that I am scared to death to be pregnant again, and the thought of another miscarriage takes my breath away. Honestly, though, the thought of never being a parent is as equally void of air…

So, while I’m being so honest I’ll share that my fragile heart is desperately clinging to any shred of hope, to anything that resembles distraction or happy news…

Lindsay

6 comments:

  1. Oh Sweet Vanilla Bean, you broke my heart as I read your honest post. I just found you and my heart pours love out to you from old woman to young woman. I'm so refreshed to hear from a woman that lovingly waits for a child while so many women are giving up their children back to God. I don't know where you stand with Him, but if you don't mind, I will pray to my God and ask Him to give you the gift of a healthy child in due time. I have a daughter who lost a child at 5 months, and a mother who lost several. Gentle hugs to you Sweet Vanilla Bean. Grandma Cindy.

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    1. Sweet, sweet Grandma Cindy!! You have no idea how grateful we are for you love, support and prayers! He is faithful and diligent! We welcome our sweet baby boy in a few short months! Pregnancy has been an incredible journey, as I know parenthood will be also! Thank you for reaching out your heart and hand to me when I was low... Means more than you know! Hugs!

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  2. I didn't want you blogged?! I follow you on pintrest and it's odd how you can feel like you know of someone just by the things they repin. You are so strong. Your husband will help you stay strong and be happy. Love each other and let that be what matters the most. Don't allow yourself to enter depression, don't think sad thoughts. Although it might seem impossible, find the bright side to all this darkness you're going through because you need to keep your head up, and your heart going.

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    1. Monica, many thanks for the support & encouragement! We welcome our baby in a few short months, and are grateful we made it through such a dark season in our lives! A new adventure awaits...!

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  3. Whatever you do - don't beat yourself up over this-nothing you did made this happen - Be Happy - you so deserve it ♥

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    1. Thank you so much for your kindness!

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