funk...

It’s been 9 months since my last post. To be honest, I didn’t miss blogging. Not even a little bit. In fact, I took a break from reading blogs too. When I pushed “publish” last fall on what I thought would be my last blog post ever, my heart was saying, “Good riddance!” No more. Good bye. I can’t be great at everything, and blogging just isn’t that important to me right now. 

There were quite a few things going on with me at the time. I was in a funk… and it was lingering. It came on slowly and quietly until it wasn’t quiet or slow anymore. It was the big, fat elephant in every room. And I was miserable. I was trying to understand myself amidst all the new titles that made up my new life: wife, home owner, puppy parent! I was struggling with a sedentary lifestyle, poor eating habits and rapid weight gain. I took on very challenging new job responsibilities. And most importantly, like so many women, I was losing myself, all while tightly grasping onto who I was.  I was the sand through the fingers effect.  

Then, I met my tipping point. I stopped giving up hope. I started trying at life again. And what I found when I took an inventory of my life was my new "normal."

Confession: I’ve been in therapy for a few months. It’s reallllly helping. And I laugh now at the adopted attitude I had: I don’t neeeeeed therapy. I thought, "I’m strong enough to get through this." But I knew better. I was lying to myself. I fought the funk with good food, long walks, snuggles with my puppy, saying what I feel, lots of water and nutritional supplements. I couldn’t retrain my brain and address my sh!t without some help. And I knew it.

But I denied it.  When that tipping point came a callin’, I couldn’t do it anymore. Denial wasn’t enough. Jokes about being the chubby girl weren’t funny anymore. The grey affect that loomed over my life wasn’t okay with me anymore. So, I called and made an appointment. I instantly felt like I needed to vomit. It was that moment in the movie where the character has a massive realization and everything flashes before them quickly and fear sets in. But, I stayed the course. The counselor eased me in. She let me try to convince her, at first, that I was okay and that I didn’t really need to be sitting on her 90's floral loveseat for 50 minutes in the early afternoon once a week.

And each session she listened… and then asked questions. Gently. Unassumingly. Until one day she took me straight to what subjects I was avoiding the most. Long pauses. Blank stares. Tears. And sometimes questions I didn’t have the answers for. And before the sessions ended, she left me with the toughest question to think about and "work on."  I worked on it by taking a long nap immediately after the session. Consider it worked on! ;)

Taking a good hard look at your own stuff can, in-it-of-itself, cause one to be in a funk. I like the challenge of unwinding it all…

Here’s what I’ve learned so far:

1. Nobody’s life is perfect, I just express/vent/complain about my failings, shortcomings and imperfections more than the average bear.  That doesn't make me weak.

2. Expectations are high. But I put them there… which means I control the expectations, not the other way around.  I know this to be true, but I still struggle with this.

3. I am okay. I am okay. I am okay. I've survived a few tall hurdles in my life. And I am okay.

4. I need creativity time. It is not a hobby or a pastime for me. It is survival to create. It literally decompresses my mind and my stress. It makes my heart happy. It makes me feel connected to myself. It makes me feel good.

5. Health is precious. I gave up on it. I can see that now. I was in survival mode for so long. I forgot how to find balance. Eating better. Walking, relaxing, and taking my vitamins. Flossing daily. And sleeping.

6. Who I was as a child, in high school and in college are part of who I am today... those precious times are no longer, but I can treasure them and understand that they did create who I am today.

7. I thrive when I achieve. I like to do well and be told I did well or appreciated for what I do.

8. I like to make people happy, show my love and care for them, and tell them how grateful I am for them. Doing so makes me feel alive and connected.  But I am no longer willing to do all the work in relationships.  I don't have the time or the desire to go all in on someone who's not willing to do the same.  And this is the one thing I think every deserves to do for themselves.  Truly!

9. I am strong. Because I vent, whine, complain, question, and struggle, I was under the
impression that I was sucking at this adulthood thing. Yeah, it’s hard. Duh! But I am doing it and doing it well. I am strong enough to own my stuff. I am strong for overcoming difficult times in my life and not be a victim. I am strong for constantly working on being less negative. I am strong for putting my sh!t to work by helping young people seek a better life!

10. And, I’ve learned that I am a beautiful, imperfect work in progress… forever and ever and ever and ever!

So how has my life changed since my last blog post? Well, obviously I go to therapy. That’s a big one! I also eat about 5 times the fruit and veggies I was eating 9 months ago (I still loves me some sweets and I drink WAY TOO MUCH coffee!). I exercise at least 2 times a week, sometimes more. I know it doesn’t sound like much, but its more than nothing! I create. I craft. I journal. I give. I let laundry stack up. I do it when we need it. Chores never end. Ever. So, I do the pressing stuff first. My house isn’t perfect. We have a dog. She is hot and shedding. If you don’t like dog hair, don’t come over until November. Otherwise, I vacuum up the dog hair on Mondays and Fridays. I’m okay with not having everything right now. Our master closet is still broken. It bugs me SO bad that I have to store our clothes all over the house, but I know it’s going to get fixed someday. So it’s a good time to work on patience. And, joy. I find joy!

I find joy in so many things like:

· fresh, home grown herbs

· puppy kisses, tricks and silly her silly little personality that makes me smile

· my hubby’s quarks, humor and the way he makes me feel whole like no one else does

· cooking & baking & eating

· re-watching seasons of Pushing Daisies and Gilmore Girls (for the millionth time!)

· decorating my kitchen with orange, the most unpredictable color for a tried and true pink lover like me

· good smelling body care

· a before bed routine: wash face, toner, lotion, eye cream; brush teeth, floss, chew Trident; vitamins, water; turn on TV and watch an episode of Pushing Daisies or Gilmore Girls; sleep

· spending time as couples with our best friends Ryan & Lynsey

· spending time with my family

· Sunday dinners

· morning walks with my Mom and Penny

· morning coffee, with lots of milk and sugar!

· candles (I like a sweet smelling house free of doggy odor)

· my home, decorating it & entertaining in it

And you know what? Ima be aight. I am. I know that now. And it’s liberating. My heart is free, my soul is light and I feel alive.

So welcome back, self! I give you permission to dissolve the expectations of a blogging
quota. I give you permission to blog when you feel like it, or not. I give you permission to say what you feel, post what you want and be who you are. You are good enough.

Hugs & Squeezes, 
Lindsay