The
high five
is very popular in our family. A high five is given when my kids do well on a
school quiz or assignment, in a baseball or football game, or after picking up
their room or doing their laundry (without being asked).
Whether
it’s the high five, the fist pump for germ phobs or fancy hand shake complete with
tricks, the high five gesture is very popular. Not too long ago, I took the
time to research the history of the High Five. I had no idea how it started:
In
October 1977, it was the last game of the season for the LA Dodgers. Three players
on the team already had at least 30 home runs and Dusty Baker was just one
short. Baker hit a homerun which made the Dodgers the first team in history to
have four players hit 30 HRs each. As
Baker was rounding the bases and then touched home plate, Glenn Burke who was
the next one up, thrust his hand enthusiastically over his head to greet his
friend at the plate. Baker, not knowing what to do, smacked it. Baker said,
"His hand was up in the air, and he was arching way back so I reached up
and hit his hand. It seemed like the thing to do.” And
as they say, the rest is history...!
As
I looked deeper into the high five, I thought, “What does a ‘high five marriage’
look like?” My conclusion is a high five marriage is one that stays positive in
all things and circumstances. A "high five marriage" understands that being ONE
in all things is a marriage that remains solid and firm.
Bottom
line is a high five marriage is one that stands on solid ground. As a daily
reminder that your marriage is an important relationship, all you need to do is
look at your hand and see what each finger represents.
Pointer/Index Finger:
The
first finger to look at is your index finger, also know as your pointer
finger. When you give your marriage a high five on a daily basis, you point
towards a positive relationship over a negative one. Did you know that research
shows that positivity has incredible benefits?
Here are
just some:
- Increases
your life span
- Lower
rates of depression and distress
- Greater
resistance to the common cold
- Better
psychological and physical well-being
- Reduced
risk of death from cardiovascular disease
- Better
coping skills during hardships and times of stress
And what
is one of the best benefits of building a positive marriage aka a high five
marriage? It builds a stronger marriage and happy kids. So, when you
think about your pointer finger, always think, “We strive to point our marriage
towards positivity!"
Ring
Finger:
Your
decision of commitment, through thick and thin, ups and downs, richer or poorer. It
means just that “I’m in this”, “We Got This”, “Let’s stay in the game!” The
power of commitment and team is a necessary entity in your marriage. Commitment
is not a one-time event. It's a daily process that helps you and your spouse
immensely! It is essential to the longevity of your relationship today and
beyond! When you think about your ring finger, always think, “WE ARE IN THIS
TOGETHER!”
Pinky:
The
small things matter. We live in a world where we are busier, distracted by
deadlines and obligations, and our attention in work and life is constantly in
demand. As a result, our marriage suffers because we forget about the small
things. If you go without the small things for any length of time, the
relationship will eventually die!
Little
things totally matter! High five your spouse by doing the small things. For
example:
- Buy
a rose, tie, or T shirt of his favorite sports team.
- Weekly
dates are crucial but if time is limited, do something twice a month. Twice a
month is better than zero a month. For example, go bowling, miniature golf, or do
wine tasting.
- If
you don’t have any money to spend, take a walk or hike together.
- If
you have kids, set boundaries for them letting them know you have mom and dad
time. Connection is key and it is sacred. You have to protect it!
When
you look at your pinky, think, “The small things always matter!”
Middle
Finger:
We
all know what the middle finger represents… and it ain’t pretty. One of the
main reasons we lash out on those we love the most is because we get too
comfortable forgetting that they are human like you. Research shows that
negativity has strong physical and psychological effects. Dr.
Gottman, who is a psychologist from the University of Washington, created what he
called the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, which are indicators of behavior
that predict relationship distress. After 20 years of this research, it was
determined that a marriage that takes on these four indicators on a consistent
basis is doomed for marital destruction. They are:
1) Criticism: This attacks the
personality rather than behavior; blames. Criticism begins with You. Words like
never and always demonstrates a criticism filled marriage.
2) Contempt: Dr. Gottman says that most
divorces happen at the contempt level. Contempt has the goal and intention to
insult and psychologically abuse your partner. Worse, contempt takes on a
facade of ‘just kidding,’ name calling, hostile humor, and mockery. If a marriage falls into this level,
the relationship moves quickly from bad to worse.
3) Defensiveness: The third indicator is
defensiveness. This means that the other spouse defends themselves after a
feeling of being backed into a corner. A common defensive statement in a
marriage is, “It’s not my fault. You were supposed to pay that bill, not me.”
4) Stonewalling: The final indicator is
stonewalling. This means the other checks out or withdrawals from the tension.
On the surface, stonewalling looks like the right thing to do as it seeks to
‘be the better one and walk away.’ The reality is it is not healthy to respond
to tension without responding at all. Interestingly, 85% of stonewallers are
men.
A
marriage that demonstrates these four indicators on a regular basis is a
relationship that unfortunately decided to check out long ago. Here a few suggestions
on getting your marriage back to a high five state even when you don’t feel
like it.
- Find
the core of the tension before it turns into a bigger problem down the road.
- Time
outs are an important part of stopping potential dangers.
- Agree
that each sees it differently.
- Be
empathetic and put yourself in the other’s shoes.
- I’m
sorry (without the BUT) can be a great, immediate conflict buster.
When
you look at your middle finger, ask yourself, “Is this fight worth the battle?”
Believe it or not, keeping the fight going will hurt YOU the most, not the
other.
The Thumb, A
Thumbs Up!:
In a few countries, like Iran, Iraq and Thailand, for example, the
thumbs is a very obscene gesture. But most countries universally conclude that a
thumbs up symbolizes ‘well done,’ ‘great,’ and ‘alright.’
In your
marriage relationship, the thump represents stability and a good job! The
thumb is an extension of the high five and we need a thumbs up all the time in
our relationship! It will provide the stability, consistency, and steadiness
all marriages need and want!
A marriage
that celebrates a thumbs up approach is a relationship that is able to sustain
those difficult times or frustrating moments. Take the better approach by
always lifting up your spouse with words of encouragement and support rather
than tearing each other down. Your tongue can be a vicious weapon or a breath
of life. Choose the better approach and watch your marriage relationship
thrive.
I hope
that you can implement the high five into your marriage in a new way. And as
you look at your fingers, ask yourself, “What am I doing today to make my
marriage a high five?” Creating a
strong, successful marriage community is one that encourages and supports each
other always. If any of you are doing something that makes your own marriage a
high five, please share with the rest of us so we could improve our relationships
even more. In the meantime, put your hand up and give a huge high five to your
spouse!
Marriage Mechanic
Rob is proud that his wife Cara plays an instrumental part
of what he does. They have a combined 20+
years helping individuals and couples with their relationships and marriages. Rob has a BA in Christian Education from
Moody Bible Institute in Chicago and holds a Master’s Degree in Psychology and
is an Online Psychology Professor for Grand Canyon University. Rob is also certified marriage
counselors in the PREPARE/ENRICH program. He is a non-denominational ordained minister and officiates wedding ceremonies. Rob combines his experience and
education along with his unique approach that is sincerely relational,
empowering, hopeful, honest and compassionate. To learn more about Rob, The Marriage Lane and his approach read here.
*Lead photo created using the app A Beautiful Mess, available for sale here in the iTunes app store! Thanks ABM app for the creative tool!
