creating a more confident marriage...

One of the funnest things I enjoy during my marriage coaching sessions is what I call “leaving the light on” moments. This phrase comes from the mantra of Motel 6 which is, “We’ll leave the light on for you.” It is great when what we discuss translates into the relationship and into the home. Whenever that "light" turns on, it makes my job that much more fulfilling and well worth it!

Recently, I was coaching a couple and explaining the importance of having a confident marriage. I explained marriages that veer off into dangerous terrain and rough roads possess relational qualities that can be best described as passive, uncertain and skeptical. I went on to explain that the opposite of this kind of marriage possess a strong quality of confidence. As I continued,  the wife interrupted me and yelled out, “Wait a minute! Confidence belongs to individuals, not a marriage!” I respectfully disagreed with her and proceeded to explain further on what it means to have a confident marriage. Eventually, the light turned on for her and her husband and their marriage is seen as a positive example today.

Here are 3 great tips on how to have a confident marriage. I hope the "light" will turn on for you as you read these tips and then transfer them over into your marriage relationship.

1)    Look confidence straight in the eye! The worst conclusion a couple can make is when either one or both of them say, “I have nothing more to give.” A marriage that loses hope is one that loses necessary motivation. Whenever hope and motivation runs out, it is very difficult to recover.  A practical exercise I give couples in order to gain and solidify marital confidence is to both hold hands, stare into a mirror and say in unison, “I will not give up on you! I will not give up on us!” Do this 5 times; both in the morning and before you go to bed. Do this for 7 days straight and you will be amazed the kind of confidence you will discover in your marriage!     

2)    Expect confidence versus results. My oldest son is a good baseball player. Sometimes, he admits that he lacks the confidence necessary to be a good hitter. Like many young baseball players, confidence is the biggest hurdle to jump because young pitchers have the ability to throw the ball faster and sometimes with wicked movement. Recently, my son had a baseball game and went 0-4; 3 strikeouts and 1 groundout. After the game I asked him how he felt each time he batted. He told me that even though he didn’t have a hit, even with three strikeouts, he felt the most confident he had ever felt since playing the game of baseball. True confidence is found regardless of what happens, or not.                  

     

I believe this story applies to the 2^nd great tip on having a confident marriage. Marital confidence does not waver based on some expected results. For struggling couples, a lack of confidence exists because there is a desperate need for immediate change. When change doesn’t happen quickly, frustration, discouragement and a lack of motivation supersedes confidence. Indeed, results do play a factor on being confident but true confidence is not found based on whether you are experiencing certainty or uncertainty. When your marriage is confident, you both understand that your relationship value and marriage identity does not waver depending on the outcomes. Marital confidence is the result of inner strength among both spouses. Whenever issues and troubles arise, you are both able to get in the batter’s box together and confront life’s curve balls as a team, even if that means you strike out one and awhile.  It doesn’t matter where your marriage has been, every spouse wants words that lift up rather than tear down. As a team, build up your spouse today by telling him or her how you appreciate them and what they do to strengthen the marriage. Do this on a regular basis and watch your marriage relationship confidence grow exponentially!   

    

3)    Find Confidence without changing your spouse. What is common among many of my marriage coaching sessions is how the spouse seeks to change the other spouse. I hear, “Well, if he just brought home flowers once in a while, then our marriage would be much better” or “If only she would let me have at least one night a week with the guys, then our relationship would be happier.” These common statements lead to marital doubt, not marital assurance.  True marital confidence is not found in what the other should do. Rather, strength in a marriage is found on looking in the mirror and asking yourself, “What can I do today to bring certainty to this marriage.” When both spouses are actively doing this and implementing it into their daily marriage relationship, watch your marital confidence increase!

Marital confidence is a necessity for a regularly maintained marriage relationship. Confidence, security and trust in your marriage goes a long way. As you implement these three great tips, watch how that light stays on for you--a bright marriage that naturally shines!

Rob Lane

Marriage Mechanic

Rob is proud that his wife Cara plays an instrumental part of what he does. They have a combined 20+ years helping individuals and couples with their relationships and marriages. Rob has a BA in Christian Education from Moody Bible Institute in Chicago and holds a Master’s Degree in Psychology and is an Online Psychology Professor for Grand Canyon University. Rob is also certified marriage counselors in the PREPARE/ENRICH program. He is a non-denominational ordained minister and officiates wedding ceremonies. Rob combines his experience and education along with his unique approach that is sincerely relational, empowering, hopeful, honest and compassionate. To learn more about Rob, The Marriage Lane and his approach read here.

*Lead photo created using the app A Beautiful Mess, available for sale here in the iTunes app store! Thanks ABM app for the creative tool!
 

when your marriage is walking the tight rope…

The circus, of all places, is a kid’s ultimate emotional roller coaster filled with sugar highs, laughter and smiles, but also tears and frowns too. The big top experience warrants great excitement but it also leaves kids fearful and frightened.  I remember one of the most unforgettable and emotional times in my life. I was 7 years old and it was my first experience at the circus. I was watching the infamous tight rope act. With pole in hand, the first step the tight rope artist made was a little wobbly. He caught his balance and took the second step. The crowd gasped and belted out big sighs of relief. As I watched him slowly take that third step, his left leg suddenly lifted, his body contorted to the right and then the crowd let out a huge scream, “Oh no.” I covered my eyes and my heart started to rapidly beat. The tight rope artist dropped his balance pole and then took a long fall! Suddenly paramedics rushed to the floor and tended to him. The crowd remained eerily silent and scared. As the emergency team lifted him onto the stretcher and wheeled him off the circus floor, the collective perspective changed. The emotion in the place became one; filled with a sudden lack of enthusiasm and the need to leave.

As I reminisce about that experience, I can’t help but think how our perspective often changes throughout life, and especially our relationships, particularly during an unstable wobbly marriage. As we walk on the tight rope of married life, we do stumble and even experience long falls which cause us to lose control and certainty. And when we find ourselves at the end of our relational rope, when life gets off kilter and out of balance, the tendency for a fearful perspective consumes our minds, actions, eventually our soul.

A marriage relationship must go through rough roads and dry spells in order to make the relationship stronger but not every marriage relationship needs to take that dangerous fall. How can you avoid your marriage from slipping off the tight rope? The answers to this compelling question is three-fold. 

1. See your current marriage struggle as an opportunity rather as a threat. Your struggle can be a great opportunity for incredible growth if you take a healthy alternative perspective. In the midst of marital hardship, the prospect of doing something different rather than what you would normally do can be the best decision you will ever make. Slow down in the fall... and think about how to grow from it.
 
2. Put yourself in your spouse’s shoes before you attempt to push him or her off the tightrope. I don't mean to be trite or flip--but have you showed empathy? It is easy to stay selfish in any marital struggle because you may believe that you are fully justified but consider what your spouse is going through, maybe what they are dealing with and how they are hurting.  Maybe it should take president this time.  Maybe taking a back seat immediately (and revisiting your issues and feelings later) could give space for your partner to feel heard, start to trust  you, and even be a little vulnerable with you. When you take just a moment to empathize, the focus comes off of you and appropriately focuses on the other, thus turning a tense situation into a more open and forgiving environment. 

3. Finally, do before feeling. Couples who are struggling in their marriage often say, “What’s the use of improving when I don’t feel like I love him or her anymore?” Sometimes, our feelings deceive us and can manipulate our ‘doing.’ I tell couples (both spouses) who are struggling in this area, “What are you doing to make your situation better, not worse?” Ironically, emotion is driven by motion. As much as you may feel your current situation is bleak and an unworthy cause, the reality is you can do something different, for the positive, if you act. Again, emotion is driven by motion!

Tight ropes are a part of the big top experience, and tight rope metaphor certainly plays a part in marriage but they don’t have to be the main attraction of your relationship. When those anxious tight rope feelings arise, remember to view your situation as an opportunity, display a sense of empathy and do before feeling. These tips may be the very thing that takes your relationship off a wobbly rope and onto safer ground.              

Rob Lane

Marriage Mechanic

Rob is proud that his wife Cara plays an instrumental part of what he does. They have a combined 20+ years helping individuals and couples with their relationships and marriages. Rob has a BA in Christian Education from Moody Bible Institute in Chicago and holds a Master’s Degree in Psychology and is an Online Psychology Professor for Grand Canyon University. Rob is also certified marriage counselors in the PREPARE/ENRICH program. He is a non-denominational ordained minister and officiates wedding ceremonies. Rob combines his experience and education along with his unique approach that is sincerely relational, empowering, hopeful, honest and compassionate. To learn more about Rob, The Marriage Lane and his approach read here.

making marriage an enjoyable journey…

Simply stated, my philosophy as an amateur hobby hiker is to enjoy the journey and not the destination. 

I enjoy hiking, but I’m not the extreme hiker-type trail blazer who scales rocks or cliff or mountains like some X-game competitor. Rather, hiking for me is a simple, stress-free outing filled with frequent water breaks and vista view pit stops along the way.

I believe the same can be true of a marriage journey. If marriage is viewed as a journey rather than a destination, an enjoyable relationship can become more of a reality. For many, the distance of their marriage relationship is only measured from the wedding aisle, which feels like pure bliss, to their new home, back to reality. When many couples start to get settled into their new lives, and that honeymoon glow begins to wear off, disappointment and unfulfilled expectations suddenly flood in... Delusion sets in and couples are faced with confusion, frustration and regret. And research shows that only after 3 years into marriage, people make drastic decisions, and it can feel like the pain will never subside. If your marriage started out this way and nothing has changed since, you don’t have to settle for a sub-par, unhappy relationship!

A road to a fulfilling and satisfying marriage is available to us all… but this does not simply happen by accident. It’s not good luck or merely good fortune. It’s continual investments created by daily effort with a team mindset and a desire to support each other everything you/they do. In other words, the work you put into your marriage will bring about the results you have always dreamed about.

Here’s some simple homework to help you clarify the direction of your marriage journey today:

1.     Put down on paper three things that are great in your marriage and prioritize them from greatest to best. Often times, marriages that are stuck in a rut have spent too much time focused on what’s not working rather than what is.
 

2.     Once you have carefully articulated those three things, choose one of those three and brainstorm tangible ways to build it up even more. For example, my wife, Cara, continually builds me up with verbal compliments.  It goes a long way in making me feel constantly supported and appreciated. And one way I could support her in return is to give her complements and positive feedback!

3.     Finally, intentionally implement one of your newly brainstormed ideas twice this week! My suggestion is that you do this in a way you have never done before. Be thoughtful. Be consistent. Create the change you want to see in your marriage!

The best way to get your marriage back on track is to view your relationship like a hike: an enjoyable adventure, moving towards something, somewhere beautiful! Marriage is a journey, and it’s meant to always be moving forward. When your marriage is viewed as an adventure, a journey, suddenly your relationship has meaning and purpose and the hike doesn’t seem so bad after all.

I look forward to hearing how your marriage relationship changed direction next week!

Rob Lane

Marriage Mechanic

Rob is proud that his wife Cara plays an instrumental part of what he does. They have a combined 20+ years helping individuals and couples with their relationships and marriages. Rob has a BA in Christian Education from Moody Bible Institute in Chicago and holds a Master’s Degree in Psychology and is an Online Psychology Professor for Grand Canyon University. Rob is also certified marriage counselors in the PREPARE/ENRICH program. He is a non-denominational ordained minister and officiates wedding ceremonies. Rob combines his experience and education along with his unique approach that is sincerely relational, empowering, hopeful, honest and compassionate. To learn more about Rob, The Marriage Lane and his approach read here.

an exciting new adventure...

I am bursting at the seams to tell you about a new adventure I am embarking on with my friend, Rob Lane, who happens to be the pastor who married my husband and I (four years ago this autumn!).  He is passionate about marriages and making them better, breaking down barriers, helping couples communicate better, and understand each other. Sooo... my little, humble blog is going to be a platform for him to reach out to women, share some tips, and also help us understand men a little better in what we're calling Marriage Mechanics Mondays (MMM). I'm honored that his passion and voice will be heard here!  And I'm hoping he can help yours, mine and all your girl friends' marriages.

So... let me introduce you to your marriage mechanic, your relationship coach, the wonderful Rob Lane:

Rob, who are you? 

Hi everyone! If you were to ask my wife who I am, she would say, “Simply bald and beautiful!” And my boys would say, “Homerun King… in waffle ball!” I am the husband of my beautiful wife of 18 years, Cara, and the father of 2 very cool boys: Connor, who is 14, and Ryland, who is 10. I am so excited about this opportunity to connect with women about strengthening their relationship/marriage because it's my passion! One of my favorite quotes is, “When relationships are working, everything else in life works.” This is the theme by which I live my life and something I hope to illuminate for every person or couple I work with!

How did your passion become helping marriages? 

The start of my passion for helping marriages first came from a deep ‘spiritual wound’ in my own life experiences. At the impressionable age of 12, my parents were headed for a divorce and I took a strong stand against it, passionately protested the decision! My Dad remembers asking me as a child whom I wanted to live with post-divorce. My answer was, with deep pain in my eyes and vigor in my voice, “I will not choose between you or mom because I want to live with you both!"  My dad credits his decision to stay, and recommit to his marriage to my tenacity and insistence.  As a result, my parents decided against divorce and the years that followed I saw a new family structure take shape and a new marriage emerge as my parents decided to make a better life for themselves and their family. I have carried this experience with me my whole life and it is the motivation and passion behind why I do what I do.

My business, called the Marriage Lane, started as a result of walking through some of the most difficult times I have ever seen with some of our closest friends who were experiencing great relational pain and marriage struggles. The conversations and counseling sessions that took place during those times caused us to look deeper into the dilemma of marriage issues and distress. It is no secret that many people today are going through relational turmoil and find themselves alone with no idea how to navigate through it. Many people live out their philosophy of relationships with the cliche "love is a gamble.”  With the understanding that many people are skeptics when it comes to successful, lasting marriage relationships, I strategically help people traverse through those rough areas in their marriage journey and creatively help them discover new norms thus experiencing hope for a successful relationship.

Why the name Marriage Mechanic Mondays (MMM)?

I call myself a "Marriage Mechanic" because every marriage relationship could use a "tune up" from time to time. I believe that regular tune-ups in your marriage, similar to regular oil changes for your car, are necessary to keep your marriage functioning at a healthy and effective level. The marriage journey consists of many ups and downs. What I have found is that often times a marriage needs a jolt, an oil change, some air in the tires, and a burst of support and coaching during those tough spells... and those are all things I can help marriages tap!

What's your hope for Marriage Mechanic Mondays (MMM)?

My hope for Marriage Mechanic Mondays is that each person who reads my posts understands that I am right there walking with them in trenches of daily relationship/marriage struggles and joys, and that I'm in my own marriage journey with Cara. I am not perfect in my marriage (just ask my wife!). But, I certainly strive to be better today in my marriage than I was yesterday, and better tomorrow than I was today. With God’s help, I can provide the necessary tools for your marriage relationship. The reality is that every couple wants to experience a thriving marriage but the real challenge is how to do it. My hope for MMM is that each person knows that they can steer the course of their own marriage's road. The Marriage Lane, provides the map and some simple pit stops, and you navigate the course!

Talk to us about your street cred! What's your bio, in a nutshell?

Rob Lane of The Marriage Lane

Rob is proud that his wife Cara plays an instrumental part of what he does. Between the both of them, Rob and Cara have combined over 20 years helping individuals and couples with their relationships and marriages. Whether it is teenagers who are dealing with relational struggles, engaged couples who want to be better prepared for their new marriage, couples who desire marriage renewal or individuals who need encouragement and support, Rob and Cara’s genuine concern, ability to use humor as a helpful antidote and practical advice comes out in every relationship coaching session.

Rob and Cara both have a BA in Christian Education from Moody Bible Institute in Chicago. Rob holds a Master’s Degree in Psychology and is an Online Psychology Professor for Grand Canyon University. Cara is an International motivational speaker and speaks to over 5,000 women per year empowering them to live fulfilling and purposeful lives. Cara has been featured on Good Day Sacramento and has shared the stage with several nationally recognized authors and speakers. Rob and Cara are also certified marriage counselors in the PREPARE/ENRICH program. Rob is a non-denominational ordained minister and officiates wedding ceremonies. Rob combines his experience and education along with his unique approach that is sincerely relational, empowering, hopeful, honest and compassionate.

Where can we learn more about you and your work?

The first place you can learn more about me and my work is though my website: The Marriage Lane. Also, please follow The Marriage Lane on Facebook where you will find helpful, quick marriage tips that provoke thought and action! Also on our Facebook page you will find announcements related to what we are doing and what we hope to accomplish in the future. Currently, we (Cara & I) are working on some products that will be helpful, creative and fun! Look for those products through our links. Please give us a shout out, ask questions or share ideas for future posts in the comments here on the blog and on our Facebook page because product research comes directly from each of you! Should you want more support in your marriage, and I hope you do, I offer marriage coaching sessions via Skype where I can coach your marriage and provide practical advice that you can confidently use in your marriage today!

Anything else you want to tell our followers?

I love this question, Lindsay because it gives me the opportunity to share with everyone some things not many people know about me (until now). My favorite season is Christmastime. I love listening to Christmas music and watching Christmas movies all year long! Elf is my favorite! To concentrate, I listen to Jazz music. I love jogging on the treadmill and I am an avid sports fan! Gooooo San Fransisco Giants and 49ers!!  I have a sweet tooth weakness for Reeses Peanut Butter Cups!

Most importantly, I want everyone to know that I am a marriage coach, rather than a marriage counselor. The fundamental difference between the two is counseling tends to focus on the past and coaching focuses on the future. The analogy I like to show couples is when driving a car you have two options for your vision: one that looks ahead and one that looks behind. Thankfully, the larger view from the driver’s seat is the wind shield; the smaller view is the rear view mirror. If your marriage focuses only on that rear view mirror, the past, you're putting your marriage in danger. This is not to say you should never look through the rear view mirror. It just means that you should look forward more often, and use that rear view mirror for a point of reference only occasionally. Additionally, your focus as a driver is looking ahead through that windshield. Marriage coaching focuses on the windshield, the dream, your future in a marriage you both want! You will get where you want to go when your eyes focus on forward motion!        

Thank you, Rob, for letting us get to know you! Looking forward to Marriage Mechanic Mondays!

Warmly,

Lindsay