Want without belief
is just wishing…
When marital results
are not happening as fast as we think they should.
Every desire first starts with a longing, a craving- a wish. Recently, I had a conversation with a friend who shared some
of his personal struggle and dissatisfaction. As a delivery driver for one of
the most popular carrier companies in the world, the high pressure of deadlines,
unrealistic expectations and long hours was starting to take its toll on him
emotionally, physically and mentally. The worst part of it all was the
exasperation of feeling trapped with no end in sight, and it overwhelmed him to the
point of a mental breakdown.
On one hand, my friend is thankful that he is able to pay
all of his bills and even have some extra to enjoy. Conversely, he feels that
the very hand that feeds him keeps him from seeing his kids during the week,
keeps him from the possibility of meeting a woman that he longs to share his
life with and keeps him from ultimately experiencing the true desire of his heart: inner fulfillment. That particular day,
my friend felt like there was no hope or vision of something different or
something better. In other words, he was at the end of his rope.
Most of the dissatisfaction that my friend feels is the same
feelings many experience, especially in marriage. Our wants and desires begin
at the forefront of our minds. We think, “If only I can experience a healthy,
satisfying marriage.” Or “What would it be like if I could be home more so I
can maximize the time I have with my kids before they move out of the house?”
Or “If only I could find Mr. or Mrs. Right to experience a healthy, enjoyable
relationship.” Our dreaming and wishing definitely allows us to hope for
something much more. Limited thinking is confirmed when our hopes and dreams turn
into doubt and uncertainty. As a result, our wants and desires slowly fade away
because we think that we are being unrealistic, selfish or ungrateful. We
reason in our minds that all of the things we enjoy and the possibility of
really experiencing that ‘fairy tale marriage’ or being someone we have always
wanted to be is simply too much to ask for.
Our fear of wanting is an angst that many share. Especially within
the circle of friends and family we see and share, we know many who struggle
with or have even lost the very person they loved through divorce. Often times,
in situations like these, our guilt gets the best of us because we feel bad for
what we have while the neighbor or friend lost their spouse to say a separation
or split-up. And we feel lesser than because we assume the desire for being an
even healthier married couple shouldn’t be at the forefront of our minds. The thinking is, "certainly,
if most people around me struggle and suffer in their relationship, who am I to
deserve a happy, fun marriage relationship?"
I asked my unhappy friend, “What do you really want?” He responded,
“I’m not asking for much, Rob. All I want is to get off from work at a
reasonable time, maybe like 7:30, so that I can be there for my kids. I want to
be on the same route that I was originally on when I first transferred and I
want to meet a nice woman, maybe someone I can settle with, [with whom] I can be
myself.”
I asked, “So what happened?”
He asked, “What do you mean?”
I clarified, “What happened to your wants and desires?”
“It obviously never happened! And you know what? This
happens all the time! It’s not like I’m asking for the world, Rob. My work
keeps me from what I want and I’m sick of it!”
I paused for a few minutes, “So, do you believe that your
desires can really happen?”
“You’re saying that I need to believe in my desires? That’s the last thing I’m going to do. My
wants are simple and God doesn’t seem to understand that I’m not asking for
much. Here’s what I think: seeing is believing, and I haven’t seen anything!”
“Okay, fair enough. Can I ask you one more question?”
“All ears. Go ahead.”
“I actually think that you want so much more than a 7:30
clock out time. And I think there’s so much more than simply wanting to spend additional
time with your kids. And I certainly think you want much more than someone who
will let you watch football...”
“Okay, you have my attention.”
“So then the question is, how can your desires happen when the last thing you want to
do is believe that they can really happen?”
While we can argue that many things or people around us prevent
our wants from happening, the true test of our wants is determined by our efforts, and
believing that they will in fact take place! The desires for a better marriage relationship,
well behaved kids, or a successful, fulfilling job are all good things to wish
for. Unfortunately, many people fall short in seeing their wants manifest
because they just don’t see the results of their desires happen fast enough. The level that many fail to reach is the true belief that their wants and desires will
in fact happen, no matter what. Wants often reside at the surface level and end
up being an attempt at discovering temporary satisfaction because we think that
if this or that happened we would be happy. In other words, we want the results
before we believe they will actually happen.
Belief allows us to demonstrate a key component to living
life to the fullest which is gratefulness. If you can believe and be thankful for your wants before they
actually take place, then you are guaranteed to see your wants take shape.
Belief always strengthens one’s wants and desires because you pursue at a
deeper level.
In my business, The Marriage Lane, I have the true pleasure of helping couples and people like you and my
friend move from wants and into belief. Our mission is to
empower people and couples to overcome fear, and gain victory over “just getting
by,” and move fully into a full life of marital living in all aspects of their
relationship.
The next time you want something, ask yourself, “What
happened to my wants and desires?” The answer to this question will get you
focused on the pursuit of having, being and doing more which is a sure fire way
to move from want to belief. You will discover that wanting and believing is an
outpouring of full expression of the infinite potential that resides in all of
us.
Rob Lane
Marriage Mechanic
Rob is proud that his wife Cara plays an instrumental part
of what he does. They have a combined 20+
years helping individuals and couples with their relationships and marriages. Rob has a BA in Christian Education from
Moody Bible Institute in Chicago and holds a Master’s Degree in Psychology and
is an Online Psychology Professor for Grand Canyon University. Rob is also certified marriage
counselors in the PREPARE/ENRICH program. He is a non-denominational ordained minister and officiates wedding ceremonies. Rob combines his experience and
education along with his unique approach that is sincerely relational,
empowering, hopeful, honest and compassionate. To learn more about Rob, The Marriage Lane and his approach read here.
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