merry christmas...

From the whole team at Sweet Vanilla Bean, thank you for following our blog, reading our posts and being the best audience!  We are beyond grateful for you!

Enjoy your families, friends, food, gifts, and the spirit of the season!

MeRrY ChRiStMaS!

Love,
Lindsay, Rob & Cara

come backs to deal with put-downs...

Let’s face it! Any seasonal gathering includes negative relatives who put us down publicly or in private. Sometimes a few well-rehearsed responses make a BIG difference.  I have personally started using these five techniques in my own life. It will make a huge difference in the way others treat you. You can empower yourself to not let negativity win.

1.       Always use “I” statements: Using “I” statements during confrontational come-backs is a must! The minute you slip in the word “you” the other person will become defensive and act blameless. Your negative cohort can’t argue with your thoughts. Here are some remarkable responses that work. “I see it differently…” “I understand that we think our own unique thoughts…” “I love that we can discuss this openly and still love one another…” “I appreciate your diverse thoughts…”  “I have a lot to think about because of your opinion…”

2.       Give them only two options: Letting someone know that what they say it hurtful helps them understand your boundaries. “I heard that as an insult…was it intended that way?” They only have two options. They can either take back their insult or admit they are trying to hurt you. This simple power phrase will give you the satisfaction that you have put them in their place. At least you know the truth. It they agree that they are trying to hurt you then respond with disappointment or indifference. Ultimately, you have forced the other person to have to accept their comment.

3.       Have an attitude of Gratitude: Always have the last word no matter what insult they hurl your way. Just say “thank you.” It defuses the comment and they are more likely to quit knowing it is not getting under your skin. Sincerely thank them for trying to make you a better person. 

4.       Agree with them:  Ironically, you can agree with the fact that they have the right to say what they want. You can say, “You might be right.” They hear the fact that they are “right” but you know your focus is on the “might.” You can also say that is right for them and not right for you. Turn the rest of the family for help. You can simply say, “Who agrees with Aunt Verna?” This way the focus gets off of you. 

5.       Change the subject: Secretly, think of other topics that can change the subject. Here are some ideas: weather, travel, food, hobbies, hometown happenings, animals, work issues and kids events. Even if you are confronted about trying to change that subject – admit it. This shows that you are controlling the conversation. It demonstrates that boundaries are being set.

I believe in your ability to make these “Come-backs” to “Put-downs” a permanent solution to your everyday communication. You are now empowered to have a positive outcome to negativity.

Positively Yours, 
Cara Lane
Communication Coach 

Cara Lane can be summed up in two words = infectious enthusiasm. Cara’s high energy, expressive style will be a joy to your learning on life. She has won the hearts of people and has become known nationally as “America’s Speaker Sweetheart.” She has also toured the world and has become an internationally known motivational speaker and trainer. Cara Lane is the award winning top trainer for the world’s leading seminar company. She's a leader an ambassador for Weight Watchers. Cara has given over 10,000 hours of instruction on communication training.

making "i'm sorrys" work...

As a follow up to my MMM post a few weeks ago called 5 Marital Ground Rules for a Better Marriage, the 2^nd ground rule was, “Say I’m sorry, always.” The truth is, I’m sorry is one of the best conflict busters which are two words that can quickly end the spark before it turns into a wild fire. Saying these words is an important marital ground rule that will maintain a healthy level of love and respect in your marriage--something every couple desires.
 

But what happens when I’m sorry simply doesn’t work? What if your spouse wasn’t “really” apologetic in the first place? And what if there is a negative pattern of saying I’m Sorry, then a few days/weeks of a “better” marriage and back to the negative behavior? What happens when the apology or lack of apology makes it worse?

Well, what these questions show are the kind of challenges marriage does really present sometimes on a daily basis. Are there answers to these questions or practical advice to these challenges? As a follow up to this marital ground rule, here are 3 tips on making I’m Sorry work for you and your marriage relationship.

1.    Admit it, admit it, admit it! Something my wife and I remind our kids on a regular basis is to say, “I did it and I am sorry!” Both our sons realize the best way to quickly resolve an argument or fight among themselves is to just simply admit it and apologize. In my strong opinion, the best way to make I’m Sorry work for you and your marriage is to move past the stubbornness; admit it, apologize and watch your relationship grow.    

2.    Empathize is the best way to thrive! You all have heard, “If only you were in my shoes.” One of the best antidotes to apologizing is empathy.  When you take yourself out of the scenario and try and understand your spouse and their perspective, you will be amazed how much easier it is to apologize. The best apology is to not try and debate who started it but to rather understand each other.

3.    Hire a Marriage Coach! More often than not, a lack of clear direction can keep arguments and fights going. We all have a blame indicator within us that reads, “He/she did it, NOT me.” Why don’t we apologize in the first place? Well, we think, “Why say sorry for something they started?” In repetitive situations like this, you need a coach to help you create a good game plan to win, not lose. A Marriage Coach is one who doesn’t play referee but one who plays the supporter role as an outside, 3^rd party person to help guide you along.

Truly, marriages that know how to apologize and accept the apology are relationships that grow and are contagious. Marriages that don’t know how to say I’m sorry are relationships that live in ruts. The next time you find yourself in a situation to apologize, try not to do the normal thing of holding a grudge or seek revenge. Rather, admit it, empathize or hire a Marriage Coach if necessary. You and your marriage will be better for it!

Cheers,
Rob Lane

Marriage Mechanic
 

Rob is proud that his wife Cara plays an instrumental part of what he does. They have a combined 20+ years helping individuals and couples with their relationships and marriages. Rob has a BA in Christian Education from Moody Bible Institute in Chicago and holds a Master’s Degree in Psychology and is an Online Psychology Professor for Grand Canyon University. Rob is also certified marriage counselors in the PREPARE/ENRICH program. He is a non-denominational ordained minister and officiates wedding ceremonies. Rob combines his experience and education along with his unique approach that is sincerely relational, empowering, hopeful, honest and compassionate. To learn more about Rob, The Marriage Lane and his approach read here.


*Lead photo created using the app A Beautiful Mess, available for sale here in the iTunes app store! Thanks ABM app for the creative tool!

five ways to respond to unwanted presents...

Remember, people buy gifts because they love and appreciate us. It’s important to make them feel good about their decision even if you feel uncomfortable. Often times we find ourselves in awkward moments when we have to open a gift that we do not like. You have to hide your disappointment, embarrassment or speechlessness. 

With these five tricks you will be able to sail through any unwelcomed gift with ease. Take away the awkwardness of opening gifts you don’t like by having one of these responses. Use these tips with the same tone and tempo as if you liked the present. 

1.       Automatically hug, handshake or high-five the person – Say thank you then truly invade their personal space. Act like your football team just got a touchdown and you are looking for a physical connection to that play. It’s now awkward for both parties involved – which is good. It’s a deflection!

2.       Immediately start asking questions or making comments about the gift – Say Thank You then ask questions. This is a key phrase: “This gift is unbelievable.” Read the label on the box. This buys you time. Start going through the trusted who, what, where, when and how questions. Here are some examples: Who told you about this product, What are all the features, Where do you find gifts like this, When did you find the time to buy this and How does it make them feel that they invested time and energy in getting you that gift. A well place question diverts the uncertainty of the present. 

3.       Instantly Compliment the Thought – The minute you open a present excitingly thank them for thinking through such an interesting gift. Ask them where they came up with that idea to get you that present. Remind them that your favorite thing about them is their thoughtfulness. Use a big expression like, “Oh my goodness!!!!! How thoughtful of you!!!! I love how you think though every present you give!!!”

4.       Give yourself time to think – Nicely excuse yourself! Quickly find an excuse to leave the room. Some excuses are: using the restroom, getting another trash bag for the used wrapping paper, suddenly feeling thirsty or pretending you heard something outside. My son uses this technique and taught it to me. It works because you can come back with a well-rehearsed gratitude line for the present you had just received. Hopefully the need for approval by the gift giver is not as strong as before.

5.       Pretend the right way!- What if the person point-blank asks you if you like it???? Tell them “YES, and here’s why: because it will remind me of you.” Take the focus off the question by telling them how much you appreciate the reminder. This is now NOT a lie. You truly like the present because of what it represents. It’s not about yourself but the reminder this present will serve.

We have all heard the quote, “It is better to give then to receive.” The giver wants to feel good about the gift they just gave you. As a communication coach I know your gift giving and receiving will be better because of your creative new responses.

Merry Christmas!

Kindly,  
Cara Lane  
Communication Coach 

Cara Lane can be summed up in two words = infectious enthusiasm. Cara’s high energy, expressive style will be a joy to your learning on life. She has won the hearts of people and has become known nationally as “America’s Speaker Sweetheart.” She has also toured the world and has become an internationally known motivational speaker and trainer. Cara Lane is the award winning top trainer for the world’s leading seminar company. She's a leader an ambassador for Weight Watchers. Cara has given over 10,000 hours of instruction on communication training.



*Lead photo created using the app A Beautiful Mess, available for sale here in the iTunes app store! Thanks ABM app for the creative tool!

take the donkey out of ass(ertive)...

 Take The Donkey Out Of Assertive: 

You don't have to be a jerk to get what you want!

When you think of assertiveness do you have a positive or negative image? It's funny how assertiveness sometimes gets a bad rap, because in reality it's a positive communication tool. The problem is many people use assertiveness as an excuse to be an aggressive jerk. 

There are 3 truths about assertiveness to apply to your life:

Assertiveness Truth # 1: Everyone Wins With Assertiveness!!!

Passive people have a "I Lose - You Win"  mentality. Over time, that becomes a habit of self defeat and regret.

Aggressive people have a "I Win - You Lose" mentality. Quickly, this becomes a way of life and this person establishes a reputation as consistent pain in the "ass."   

Passive/Aggressive people actually have a "Get Revenge - Sabotage" mentality. This leads to a secret life of inconsistency and they deny  having a negative intent when they are caught. With the passive/aggressive person everyone loses! 

Good news! With assertiveness the mentality is "Everyone Wins." You can even use this language in heated conversations, "Hey, we can both win here." Instantly, both parties involved have mutual respect and understanding.

Assertiveness Truth #2: Emotional Stability Begins With Assertiveness

There are times when we feel out of control emotionally. Being able to express your wants, needs and emotions is essential. Assertiveness is believed to be the beginning of peace within oneself. If you can be honest with yourself then you can be honest with your emotions. 

Your internal dialogue needs to be positive. How quickly we can be too aggressive with her own opinions of ourselves. We can also become too passive with ourselves which leads to apathy.  Taking an assertive approach with yourself will stabilize your emotional well-being. 

Assertiveness Truth #3: Remember Assertiveness Is A Privilege

It's an honor to live... in a place - on this earth - at this time - that what you say is allowed, respected and even repeated. Imagine if your right was taken away to express your thoughts, feelings and beliefs. It has happened to so many throughout history and  now. 

So why not exercise your right to say what you want to say without fear or intimidation. 

Assertiveness is standing up for your personal rights. Assertiveness offers the expression of thoughts, feelings and beliefs honestly, openly and directly. This can be done without violating other people's rights.

All in all, assertiveness is a truth to live by. As a communication coach, I am dedicated to helping people of all ages express themselves assertively. The key to lasting relationships in any dynamic is being assertive. Remember no jerks allowed in assertiveness! 

Assertively, 
Cara Lane
Communication Coach 

Cara Lane can be summed up in two words = infectious enthusiasm. Cara’s high energy, expressive style will be a joy to your learning on life. She has won the hearts of people and has become known nationally as “America’s Speaker Sweetheart.” She has also toured the world and has become an internationally known motivational speaker and trainer. Cara Lane is the award winning top trainer for the world’s leading seminar company. She's a leader an ambassador for Weight Watchers. Cara has given over 10,000 hours of instruction on communication training.

going to bed angry...

Going to Bed Angry

3 Key Tips On How To Really Not Go To Bed Angry

Last week, I did a Marriage Mechanic post on the importance of marital ground rules. I made a list of 5 rules that I believe lays a good marriage foundation.  I was ecstatic to see some comments and interaction from the post. I welcome all comments and/or questions since we can all learn from each other about this mysterious thing we call marriage… so keep those comments/questions coming. 
 
After seeing these comments I thought it would be helpful to do this week’s MMM post on that first rule: Never go to bed angry. Based on the comments that were posted, even the ones that were thought about but not posted, I have titled this week’s post as three tips on how to really not go to bed angry with each other. 

First, as a review of marital ground rule # 1, never go to bed angry, I explained that sometimes, marital fights drag on into the next day; even into the next week. It is my strong opinion that unresolved fights are never a good thing and can slowly eat away at your marriage relationship foundation. Thus, setting a ground rule like never go to be angry with each other is one of the best principles for your marriage longevity.

But let’s be realistic, right? Does this mean that you stay up all night trying to resolve your differences or disagreement(s) when you have to get up for work the next day? What do you do when your spouse just doesn’t let it go and keeps the fight going? Or what happens when your spouse crosses the line and belittles or verbally disrespects you? Isn’t it a good thing to take a “time out” from a lingering disagreement or communication battle rather than trying to work it out before you hit the pillow? Some say, the fight gets worse when a time out is not implemented in moments like this.

These are all good questions when it comes to this important marital rule or never go to bed angry. Well, here are my 3 tips on how to really not go to bed angry with each other.

    •    Make an agreement to resolve it the next day. Let’s be honest, when it comes to our disagreements with our spouse, we must admit that what keeps those fights going is our stubbornness. What are we so headstrong about in these moments? The desire to be right! Fights that linger into day 2 or day 5 is the strong desire to be right. The truth is neither of you are right when the wrong decision is made to keep it going. And when it’s all said and done anyways, we forget how the fight even started in the first place. Sometimes, it is better to “sleep on it” but you both must agree to resolve it the next day.

    •    Make respect win. It is never cool getting hurt by the one who we love the most. Unfortunately, this seems to happen all too easily in a marriage relationship. I mean, we would never let verbal disrespect happen at work or allow it to ruin a potential money making deal. Yet at home, respect and love tends to take a back seat. It is important to understand that marital fights are a part of the relationship but the true test of marital longevity is to know how to work through it. The best way to win any marital dispute is to make respect win over and over again; respect for each other and respect for the sacredness of your marriage.     

    •    Make a love truce. In every marital argument, love must still supersede and reign supreme. Even if you can’t resolve a fight before you go to bed, love for each other must be the core foundation in the relationship. Making a love truce means you still love each other despite the tension. Also, making a love truce means that you agree that resolve is the end result of the love that keeps you together.

Marriage is not easy but then again who ever said it was. The good news is that marriage can get easier as you continue to work through your differences and implement the appropriate know how into your relationship on an on-going basis. There will be those cloudy days you put your head on the pillow at night frustrated to no end with your spouse. But knowing that the sun will rise in the morning will bring an opportunity for learning and growth.                   

Cheers,
Rob Lane

Marriage Mechanic

Rob is proud that his wife Cara plays an instrumental part of what he does. They have a combined 20+ years helping individuals and couples with their relationships and marriages. Rob has a BA in Christian Education from Moody Bible Institute in Chicago and holds a Master’s Degree in Psychology and is an Online Psychology Professor for Grand Canyon University. Rob is also certified marriage counselors in the PREPARE/ENRICH program. He is a non-denominational ordained minister and officiates wedding ceremonies. Rob combines his experience and education along with his unique approach that is sincerely relational, empowering, hopeful, honest and compassionate. To learn more about Rob, The Marriage Lane and his approach read here.

*Lead photo created using the app A Beautiful Mess, available for sale here in the iTunes app store! Thanks ABM app for the creative tool!

reason vs. purpose vs. meaning...

You know how people say, "Everything happens for a reason." And it's meant to ease your hurt/pain/fears/grief/sadness, and that's commendable that people want to help. But it leaves me thinking that it was on purpose... like losing something, or being hurt by someone was suppose to happen.  And that's not okay with me, because sometimes bad things happen to great people, no matter how nice they are or how often they do the right thing or take the high road. I try to always do the right thing. I try to leave people a little better than before they met me. I try to, at the very least, do no harm. And the world still sprouts hurt and pain and loss... So, rather, I try to find the meaning in everything that happens, because even in tragedies and sadness there are lessons and blessings. Maybe that's just my way of trying to make sense of life, but like that saying goes, "life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% how you react to it."

Happy Friday!

Love,
Lindsay

allow me to introduce you to cara...

It was only a few short months ago that this blog partnered with Rob Lane, the Marriage Mechanic, and he created a language and relationship reaching thousands of people with hopes to improve their marriages! We hear you! We see you! And we know we're reaching you!  Thank you for you unbelievably love and support! 

Now, I am thrilled to be adding to our team, and I am bursting at the seams to tell you about Rob's wifey, Cara Lane, my friend, someone who inspires me, and leaves me in awe, frankly!  She is passionate about communication and empowering women! Sooo... our little blog is growing by one and Cara's got big plans for this new journey!  I'm honored that her passion and voice will be heard here!  And I'm hoping we can all benefit from Cara's awesomeness!

So... let me introduce you to your Communication Coach, Cara Lane & her plan for Women's Wednesdays (WW):

Who is Cara Lane?

Cara Lane can be summed up in two words = infectious enthusiasm. Cara’s high energy, expressive style will be a joy to your learning on life. She has won the hearts of people and has become known nationally as “America’s Speaker Sweetheart.” She has also toured the world and has become an internationally known motivational speaker and trainer. Cara Lane is the award winning top trainer for the world’s leading seminar company. She's a leader an ambassador for Weight Watchers. Cara has given over 10,000 hours of instruction on communication training.

Cara Lane has a long history of loving communication. She will amaze you with her insight for teaching the fundamentals of great communicators. And she sees the incredible benefits of putting good skills into practice which leads to greater success.

In Cara’s words...

I love using the power of positive words to make a difference in people’s lives. I especially enjoy directing my efforts into women’s conferences and seminars because there is a need. Women need to believe they make a difference in their everyday life. Women expect mutual support from one another. Women want to get along and see the results of maintained relationships. It is a joy to let women know that their self-esteem is not based on what they do but who they are.

Cara the Communication Coach… Communication works for those who work at it. I believe that all relationships need great communication to survive and thrive. My husband is a relationship coach and a phycology professor. Together we bring this dynamic duo of communication and relationship together to help others succeed in connection. I love to teach people practical life changing tips to help them communicate better. The way you communicate with yourself and others is essential to your life’s success and fulfillment.

I want readers, listeners and viewers to see, hear and watch a woman who has dedicated her life to helping others communicate with passion and purpose. My posts will serve as a solution to communication problems and issues. Each follower will in essence form a relationship with their own awareness of life. Awareness is the first step towards change. My prayer is that your life will be changed for the better because to these posts.
 

Where you can find me:

www.themarriagelane.com

www.caralane.com

Looking forward to my first post next Wednesday! Tune in & let me know what you think!

Enthusiastically,
Cara Lane
Communication Coach

creating a good marital foundation...

Marriage is one of the most rewarding relationships... but can also be the most challenging relationship on the planet. This paradox for many married relationships creates a confusing conflict which many don’t know how to deal with or work through.

I have found, not only in my own marriage, but also from the many marriages I have coached throughout the years that implementing some ground rules helps immensely. Couples that do not have ground rules posses a marriage set up to fail because the foundation is shaky and fragile.  

So, what are ground rules? Ground rules are healthy boundaries that help your marriage out of potential ruts. They are agreements that encourage truces and eliminate “free flowing” irresponsibility. From the onset, this sounds more like a negative thing than a positive one. However, implementing and integrating marital ground rules can be one of the healthiest things you will ever do for the sake of your marriage's success. 

Why are marital ground rules important? They bring healthy marital structure to the longevity of your marriage as well as prevent marital fights from growing and developing into bad habits. And when should marital ground rules be implemented into your marriage? How about TODAY!

Here are 5 marital ground rules that can reinforce your marriage today:

1)      Never go to bed angry. Sometimes, marital fights drag on into the next day; even into the next week. Obviously, unresolved fights are never a good thing and can slowly eat away at the foundation. Setting a ground rule like never go to be angry with each other is one of the best principles for your marriage longevity.

2)      Say “I’m sorry.” always! I’m sorry is one of the best conflict busters; two words that can quickly end the spark before it turns into a wild fire. Saying these words is an important marital ground rule that will maintain a healthy level of love and respect in your marriage--something every couple desires.   

3)      Go on a date at least twice a month. This is not just a cliché. Dating your spouse never ends! Marriages that have this marital rule (and stick to it!) are marriages that last because they are built upon solid rock. It is easy for life to get in the way of your marriage. Dating your spouse always breaks the monotony and mundane of life.

4)      Say “I love you” often! Words mean more than we realize. Unfortunately, over time it’s easy to take each other for granted. You can never go wrong telling you love each other on a regular basis. Saying these words on a regularly is an important marital ground rule to stick by.

5)      Hold hands in public. This may sound a little odd to be a marital ground rule but like # 3, it is so easy to take each other for granted. Not just holding hands but doing so in public tells you and others that your spouse is the most important person in your life.

These ground rules, in my opinion, are a few of the most important ones you can implement or reinforce if you are already doing some of them. You should add other rules that will work for your marriage too! Using ground rules in your marriage relationship is one of the most important things you can do in and for your marriage success!               

Cheers,

Rob Lane

Marriage Mechanic

Rob is proud that his wife Cara plays an instrumental part of what he does. They have a combined 20+ years helping individuals and couples with their relationships and marriages. Rob has a BA in Christian Education from Moody Bible Institute in Chicago and holds a Master’s Degree in Psychology and is an Online Psychology Professor for Grand Canyon University. Rob is also certified marriage counselors in the PREPARE/ENRICH program. He is a non-denominational ordained minister and officiates wedding ceremonies. Rob combines his experience and education along with his unique approach that is sincerely relational, empowering, hopeful, honest and compassionate. To learn more about Rob, The Marriage Lane and his approach read here.




*Lead photo created using the app A Beautiful Mess, available for sale here in the iTunes app store! Thanks ABM app for the creative tool!

    

help wanted...

 
Hello everyone! 

I wanted to let you all know that it's been a blast writing posts for MMM (Marriage Mechanic Mondays). From the traffic we've seen on the blog, we know you're enjoying our weekly posts about marriage! What I'm hearing is that the MMM tips have really infused some much needed life into marriages. This thrills me beyond measure!  

As the holidays approach, we wanted to reach out to you all, and ask you what you want/need from me, the Marriage Mechanic!  What makes this situation unique is I have the privilege of providing a man's perspective on marriage in an on-line environment made up of primarily women.  So how can I better serve you and your spouse?  What kinds of topics would you like me to write about? For example, would a list of 5-10 things your husband really wants from you that money can't buy be helpful?  We also know that not all our readers are in committed relationships or that all our readers are women (don't forget that Rob's wife is a guest MMM poster too!).  A wide variety of topic ideas are welcome. We are hoping to really understand what you, our most loyal readers, want and need from these posts!

Also, stay tuned, because we have some neat ideas a-brewin', and we want you to be first in the loop!

As the holiday season is upon us, we look forward to what is ahead. A brand New Year is right around the corner and we know that you are looking to improve your marriage relationships. What a better way to ring in the new year with resolutions to make your relationships better. Because of this, we hope to encourage and resource you even more so your input is greatly appreciated.  

Cheers,

Rob Lane

Marriage Mechanic

Rob is proud that his wife Cara plays an instrumental part of what he does. They have a combined 20+ years helping individuals and couples with their relationships and marriages. Rob has a BA in Christian Education from Moody Bible Institute in Chicago and holds a Master’s Degree in Psychology and is an Online Psychology Professor for Grand Canyon University. Rob is also certified marriage counselors in the PREPARE/ENRICH program. He is a non-denominational ordained minister and officiates wedding ceremonies. Rob combines his experience and education along with his unique approach that is sincerely relational, empowering, hopeful, honest and compassionate. To learn more about Rob, The Marriage Lane and his approach read here.




*Lead photo created using the app A Beautiful Mess, available for sale here in the iTunes app store! Thanks ABM app for the creative tool!