asking for what you want...

In this week’s MMM, I am proud to introduce to you my wife, Cara Lane. I asked her to share with you her ideas about getting what you want and/or need from your spouse!

Hi! My name is Cara Lane. I am the wife of the Marriage Mechanic. Together, with my husband we have a heart to help marriages last a lifetime. Our passion is to help merge two lives into one. My individual passion is to help people communicate better in relationship. I am known as a communication coach and trainer.

If you really want your marriage to have a “tune-up” then you need to tell your husband EXACTLY what you need from him. Showing him how to please you will make your life easier.   

I don’t know what it is about us women, but we tend to put our husbands through “secret” tests. We expect that they know exactly how we feel. We have a hard time telling them precisely what we need or want. The truth is women do not always understand that they are secretly “testing” their husbands. It’s not fair. We need to communicate what we need in order to feel loved.

The three steps for getting your desired outcome:

1. Be specific – fact and deadlines:  We can’t be vague on what we are asking. We often hint and dodge the truth of what we need. We tend to circle around the point. Our husbands need the facts spelled out in short, concise sentences. Giving a deadline with the offer of a reward is tangible for understanding. 
2. Offer a benefit:  Instead of being selfish – offer a benefit to the specific request. There is a radio station that is playing all the time called WiiFM- What’s in it for me? Give your husband the benefit to why the request is being asked for.
3. Be positive rather than negative: It’s so easy to think of the negative reasons why something should be done. Instead, choose to find the positive reason why you need your request granted.

Let me show you how this worked in my marriage… I travel quite a bit in my career. I am a motivational speaker leading seminars for women where I teach assertive communication skills. I sometimes hear from others that I look nice, even business men. It’s tempting to bask in those compliments. BUT it’s even more tempting to come home and secretly see if I get any compliments from my own husband. The problem with that is he doesn’t know exactly what I am doing. I am setting myself up for disappointment and I am setting up my husband up for failure.

True story: I specifically told my husband that I needed him to tell me I was beautiful by Saturday @ 11p.m. because the only compliment that matters to me is his. I realize this seems a little too specific yet IT WORKS!! Here’s the brilliant ending to the story. Rob wrote on my mirror to google the lyrics to the Bruno Mars song, Just the Way You Are.” He was telling me that he thought I was beautiful in a creative way. I was so impressed! Crystal clear communication of what I wanted/needed and it worked!

Now you try this on for size. Using the three steps to getting your desired outcome is something you can implement today. I look forward to hearing how this worked for you!

Rob & Cara Lane

Marriage Mechanics

Rob is proud that his wife Cara plays an instrumental part of what he does. They have a combined 20+ years helping individuals and couples with their relationships and marriages. Rob has a BA in Christian Education from Moody Bible Institute in Chicago and holds a Master’s Degree in Psychology and is an Online Psychology Professor for Grand Canyon University. Rob is also certified marriage counselors in the PREPARE/ENRICH program. He is a non-denominational ordained minister and officiates wedding ceremonies. Rob combines his experience and education along with his unique approach that is sincerely relational, empowering, hopeful, honest and compassionate. To learn more about Rob, The Marriage Lane and his approach read here.

 


*Lead photo created using the app A Beautiful Mess, available for sale here in the iTunes app store! Thanks ABM app for the creative tool!