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Tuesday, December 03, 2013

help wanted...

Hello everyone! 

I wanted to let you all know that it's been a blast writing posts for MMM (Marriage Mechanic Mondays). From the traffic we've seen on the blog, we know you're enjoying our weekly posts about marriage! What I'm hearing is that the MMM tips have really infused some much needed life into marriages. This thrills me beyond measure!  

As the holidays approach, we wanted to reach out to you all, and ask you what you want/need from me, the Marriage Mechanic!  What makes this situation unique is I have the privilege of providing a man's perspective on marriage in an on-line environment made up of primarily women.  So how can I better serve you and your spouse?  What kinds of topics would you like me to write about? For example, would a list of 5-10 things your husband really wants from you that money can't buy be helpful?  We also know that not all our readers are in committed relationships or that all our readers are women (don't forget that Rob's wife is a guest MMM poster too!).  A wide variety of topic ideas are welcome. We are hoping to really understand what you, our most loyal readers, want and need from these posts!

Also, stay tuned, because we have some neat ideas a-brewin', and we want you to be first in the loop!

As the holiday season is upon us, we look forward to what is ahead. A brand New Year is right around the corner and we know that you are looking to improve your marriage relationships. What a better way to ring in the new year with resolutions to make your relationships better. Because of this, we hope to encourage and resource you even more so your input is greatly appreciated.  

Rob Lane
Marriage Mechanic

Rob is proud that his wife Cara plays an instrumental part of what he does. They have a combined 20+ years helping individuals and couples with their relationships and marriages. Rob has a BA in Christian Education from Moody Bible Institute in Chicago and holds a Master’s Degree in Psychology and is an Online Psychology Professor for Grand Canyon University. Rob is also certified marriage counselors in the PREPARE/ENRICH program. He is a non-denominational ordained minister and officiates wedding ceremonies. Rob combines his experience and education along with his unique approach that is sincerely relational, empowering, hopeful, honest and compassionate. To learn more about Rob, The Marriage Lane and his approach read here.

*Lead photo created using the app A Beautiful Mess, available for sale here in the iTunes app store! Thanks ABM app for the creative tool!


  1. Your post is a week old, so I'm hoping I'm not too late!

    DH and I have been married for decades and have two daughters. One is grown and on her own, the younger will graduate with her Masters this spring - so will hopefully be on her own soon, too.

    DH has a hot temper, and says some pretty mean things when he is angry. Lately he has also taken to mocking. While I forgive, I'm finding it hard to forget and move on. I'm not so much looking for a way to change his behavior as to change my thinking.

    Suggestions, please!

  2. Hello Mommy Robin. Thanks for your comments. Your question is a good one; something I'm sure many of our readers wonder themselves. Words run deep, especially within the context of a marriage relationship. Compliments and kind words mean more coming from your spouse as well as mean, belittling, disrespectful words hurt more coming from your spouse. First, in my humble opinion, it is never okay (wife or husband) to use mean spirited words towards their spouse for ANY reason. I ask couples who have communication issues, " Are you speaking life or death to your spouse?" It is a question married couples must ask themselves on a regular basis. There is no justification for speaking mean words. There is enough of this that goes on outside the home- the last place it should happen is inside the home. With this said, I agree that we should not try to change our spouse. On the other hand, an environment where there is 'nasty speak' that includes mean words and mockery is an unhealthy environment. My suggestion is for both you and your husband to create communication boundaries. A practical way to help create such an environment is before words start to escalate, record (via phone) your conversation(s). This immediately changes the environment and the "rules" suddenly change. Another practical suggestion is when things start to "heat up", do not continue that conversation in the home (private), take a walk to the local coffee shop (public) and continue the talk there. Finally, if DH is struggling to control his anger and slowly getting worse, this is a totally different conversation. Hope this helps...

  3. I know this post is over two weeks old, but I also have a question. DH and I have only just been married, and it is not our first. He has a daughter with his ex-wife. I however have not been so lucky as to have a child of my own due to multiple miscarriages. At the moment we are not financially in a position to have a child of our own, and I accept that this is the case. However, anytime the topic comes up about children he says that his daughter is now my daughter and this should be enough to make me happy. Now I love his daughter, but any woman in my situation knows that this is simply not the same thing as having my own child. She and I do not have that mother-daughter relationship and likely never will due to her mother still being in the picture. Plus, her mother hates me and fills their daughters head with all kinds of nasty things about us that are not true. My question to you is how can I possibly get him to understand that, no matter how he spins it, having a step daughter that I never even get to see is hardly the same as having a child of our own? Every time the topic comes up we end up getting angry and frustrated with each other, and I don't want this to become a constant sore spot in our marriage. Help!

  4. Hello Bite Size,
    Thank you for your comment/question. First of all, it is never an easy thing to assimilate a blended family into a new marriage family. The challenges similar to what you are addressing in your own situation puts added stress and angst to what you and DH are trying to create... a healthy, satisfying marriage. With this said, it will be important for you and DH to establish (reestablish) a team mindset and reassure each other that the most important relationship that needs reinforcement is your marriage relationship. This means that a marital ground rule in this area must be considered and implemented. You are addressing a very important aspect of any marriage relationship which is empathy. Whenever you strive to put yourself in the other person's shoes, you are being proactive in demonstrating a selfless relationship. With all of this said, your ground rule can say something like this, "We will strive to put an immediate end to putting each other down with hurtful words." Hope this helps.


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